American News Anchors- Retarded?

I think so.

What pisses me off is how ill-informed the average American TV news anchor is about the Israel v Palestine issue (and generally about everything). Clearly, they are hired for their straight teeth and lush hair rather than their IQ. So when your Professor of Middle East Studies (aka We Should Get Rid of the Jews studies), comes on CNN last night and blames the violence in Gaza on the occupation, Lush Hair is too dumb & ill-informed to challenge him and say hold on, what the hell does the Gaza situation have to do with the occupation- Israel withdrew several years ago?

No, on the American news channels, the concept of an interview is to ask the interviewee a question and then pause for a proscribed period of time so that the interviewee can recite his answer. While the interviewee is giving his answer, Lush Hair is expected to floss his teeth, practice smiling, and glance at his next question to be recited once the interviewee has finished giving his answer. Lush Hair is not to respond in any manner to the interviewee's answer- indeed, he is not even allowed to listen to the answer, so that if Professor I hate Jews says in his answer that he wishes to have homosexual sex with Lush Hair's 15 year-old son, Lush Hair must be entirely oblivious of this and proceed with his next anal question. CNN's Don Lemmon is particularly retarded, even though he does not have lush hair.

Have you been caught acting like a sheigutz

I have, a zillion times, but here are my top 4 getting caught stories.

This is probably my favorite one. When I was in law-school, I worked as a part time kashrus mashgiach. When I started the gig, I was still somewhat observant and believing. One of my gigs was at a famous London restaurant/deli. When I was there, I would usually sit at the back of the restaurant (it was usually pretty empty at night), and work on my laptop. Every 45 minutes or so, I would stroll into the kitchen and steal some tongue when the cook wasn't looking. It used to piss off the manager no end that he was mandatorily paying an exorbitant hourly rate to the Beth Din for my mashgiach services, and there I was busy typing away on my laptop. Still, he accepted, if he had to pay for my presence, and if I had to be there, he was happier that I keep out of the kitchen- although paying me to do my law work bugged him no end, so there was much tension between us.

After a few months working as a mashgiach, my own personal level of observance plummeted precipitously, so that I became uncomfortable continuing my work as a mashgiach, and I quit. Here is where the story gets funny. Barely two weeks after my quittance, I decided one Friday afternoon, that I would buy myself a packet of shrimp, as a little snackette. Now usually, when I would go to buy treif, I would go to a grocery a few miles out of town, so that I did not bump into anyone I knew. However, it was about 5 minutes before shabbos, and I did not think anyone religious would still be in a grocery store so soon before shabbos. So there I am in my local grocery store wondering nonchalantly down the aisle with a large packet of extra pink shrimp in my cart. Tragically, I walk right into the manager of the restaurant who until two weeks ago, was paying the Beth Din $40 an hour for my immaculate masgiach services. In the fraction of a second as we pass each other, I see him peer down into my cart, register the fact that my cart contains large extra, fancy, (and I might add thoroughly delicious) shrimp. I did not stick around to see the subsequent look on his face.

Here is story 2, also from my mashgiach days.

I was working as a junior mashgiach at a large weekend seminar. On Saturday night, the head mashgiach (a guy with gezunter filthy dirty beard), tells me that the chef will be making ommlettes for breakfast the next morning, and he needs 1000 eggs opened and checked for blood spots and placed into a gigantic mixing bowl. So its about 10pm, and there I am, alone in an industrial kitchen with a 1000 eggs before me, each of which is to be opened and meticulously checked for blood spots. Needless to say, after five minutes I am bored shitless. So I go grab my walkman and listen to some music as I am busy cracking and checking. Of course, this was still pretty boring, and so I decide, I will skip an occasional egg check and just dump it straight into the mixing bowl without checking for a blood spot. A few minutes later, I am skipping the check on every second egg, and within 5 minutes, I am cracking 5 eggs at a time, and dumping them straight into the mixing bowl, not even a pretense at checking. I am singing away, oblivious to my surroundings with my walkman on, and it being late at night, I'm not expecting any company. Suddenly, to my horror, as 5 eggs are in mid air about to plop into the mixing bowl, I become aware that Mr. Head Mashgiach, has been standing behind me observing my checkless egg dumping routine for who knows how long. What are you doing, he asks me in horror? I mumbled something about how I would scoop out any egg from the bowl if it turned out to have a blood spot. I actually thought my face would catch fire, so red was I.

Story # 3. Also from my law-school days. I was dating an irreligious girl and we went out for dinner. I went about 1 mile out of the Jewish area, and figured no one I knew would see me in a non-kosher restaurant. So there I am sitting in an Albanian restaurant with my date, with a plate of delicious Albanian sausages sitting proudly on my plate, waiting piously to be moser nefesh lsheim my appetite. I did not ask, but dear reader, I think we can safely assume, these sausages were not glatt kosher. Our table faced some stairs which led to a lower seating level. So I am sitting there about to tuck into the sauasages, when up the stairs, comes the twentysomething son of a very close family friend. Neither one of us had known the other had sheigootzified, but he nonchalantly said hello to me as though he was meeting me in the mikvah. Hi, I said back, not knowing what else to say. (And Mr. Hyde Park, if you are reading this, the nonchalant friend I refer to is your outstanding younger brother, J!.

Story 4# This is not so much a sheigutz story as a young lad story.When I was 11 or so, I was very fond of shoplifting, offering as it did, stuff for very cheap, well for nothing actually. So one day, I am paying a visit to one of my favorite groceries, and I am making my way round and round the store, each time, popping another item into my pocket, up my sleeves, down my pant legs. After a few rounds, the store keeper understandably became very suspicious, and yelled out, Oy! What are you doing? Now, I don't like being accused, even when the accusations are entirely legitimate, and in fact accurate. All indignant, I huff to the shopkeeper, fine, if that's how you are going to be , I won't come here anymore. As I take off to leave in a huff, a chocolate bar, falls down my coat sleeve and with a loud bang, hits the floor. I do not have time to respond before a packet of candies falls down my leg pant and is sticking halfway out my pants. Quandary, what do I do about the packet of candies that is sticking two thirds of the way out of my pants . I opted for a continued show of annoyance, and huffed out of the store, the candy bag eventually falling completely out of my pants, onto my shoe, then with multiple crinkles, onto the floor.

Please add your own!

Arguments for and against the existence of a deity.

A few introductory comments. First, when I use the term deity, I refer to some type of supreme being who caused this universe to come into being. This deity is still around on some level. I don’t claim that the arguments listed her are new, novel or even correct- they are just arguments that have occurred to me. If you have additional arguments for or against, please comment.

Arguments for the existence of a deity


1- Where did the energy that formed the big bang come from? Do scientists currently have an answer to this question or is this one of the qs, they acknowledge they don’t yet know the answer to? My eldest brother tells me that the concept of everything having to have a cause is only a rule that applies in a world governed by time, and as the big bang started before time began, it did not need to have a cause. I’m not sure how I feel about that- I don’t know enough about physics to have an opinion as to whether this is legit.

2- The universe is so incredibly complex and stunning, from the largest cosmological scales, to the most minute sub-atomic (and quark and all those other zany words I don’t understand)scale, my gut just can’t accept that it has evolved from the ball of energy- no matter how much time has passed, I just find this too incredible to accept.

3- It requires absurd degrees of improbability for the billions of conditions that had to be in place at the same time at the same place for life to form. I just think the improbability is too great.

Arguments against a deity


1- Lets accept that the Deity doesn’t want to intervene when crazies like Hitler, stalin, osama and co start frothing at the mouth because of the need for free will, why did nature’s design have to include tsunamis, earthquakes, floods & bush (the george type)?

2- What would the purpose of a deity-led universe be and why doesn’t the deity spell out the purpose loud and clear which would presumably dampen Osama & co’s craziness.

No one does misery like Ashkenaz

I was unfortunate enough to have been brought up in a charedi ashkenaz house, and I had a really miserable childhood, that consisted mainly of stuff I was not allowed to, punctuated with a ton of stuff I had to do, usually prayer related.

Stuff I was not allowed to do:

Watch tv (I would do so anyway when my parents went out or went away, my Dad started locking his bedroom door when he went away, I got smart and made a copy of his bedroom key and enjoyed video marathons when my parents went away, which fortunately for me was pretty often)

Go to soccer games (I don’t want you mixing with those shgootzim)

Talk to girls (this was such a treifah activity that it did not even need to be said, in the same way my dad did not need to tell me I was not allowed to hold an Easter parade in our dining room)

Listen to non jewish music

Go to the movies (I used to tell my parents I was bowling- this was the one activity besides for learning or praying that I was allowed to engage in- you would think I was a championship bowler the number of times I told my parents I was bowling)

Play with my friends during shul (we are talking about when I was 7-11 years old- I had to sit next to my dad and fantasize about killing him)

Do anything on Saturday night or Sunday- I was expected to literally sit in my room and do fuck-all

Anything that did not involve a sefer or a siddur

Instead, I was forced to:

Go to shul 3 times a day- probably the most hated part of my childhood and a large part of the reason why I “went off”.

Go to Selichos (this and Yom kippur were the absolute worst parts of childhood)

Read out lout the weekly sedra twice plus once in Aramaic (how sick is that)

Say Kiddush Levana

Learn

Basically, my dad would get nervous if he would come home and see me doing anything that looked like it was remotely fun- his favorite refrain was “when was the last time you took a sefer in your hands”- this was not such a problem during school time as obviously the answer was “today”, but during vacation, I would have to lie and claim I had learnt within the last couple of days. Then I would get a grilling, what did you learn, where, when etc.

My childhood sucked so bad- surprise surprise, 3 out of my dads’ 4 sons stopped keeping anything.

I am now married to a sephardic girl and am fully integrated into the Sephardic community, and they are sooooooooooooooo much more chilled about all of this stuff. You can be a totally halachicly observant teenager in the sephardic community and:

Not wear a kipa except for when you are eating or praying (sephardic kids actually like praying for some strange reason)

Have a girlfriend and even get up to some rumpypumpy as long as you stop a little short

It goes without saying it is totally ok to listen to non jewish music, watch movies, go to the movies- in fact many of the sephardic rabbis, own a tv, go to the movies and listen to non jewish music.
No one does misery like Ashkenaz.

Flaming rotating swords and a wonderful Rabbi

Last night, I went to a shiur/class on Berayshis. This class is given by a very smart, young 30's, kind, funny, humble, progressive modern orthodox Sephardic Rabbi (oh that all Rabbis could be like him). The class is held around his dining room table and is attended by about 5 couples, all from the Brooklyn Sephardic community. To say this class is very different from the shiurim I was subjected to at Gateshead Yeshiva, is to say that Obama has a different style to Bush.

So we are grappling with the differences in style and substance between the first two chapters of Berayshis (B). The Rabbi’s style is to raise questions, difficulties, contradictions, tensions, invite discussion, but unfortunately, he often does not provide a lot of answers. This Rabbi follows in the traditions of Rav Soloveitchik and the Rambam, and holds that B is allegorical and is not a recount of historical facts. So the Rabbi does not believe there was a man called Adam who was put to sleep to have a wife made out of him. The Rabbi does, I believe, believe that B is God’s exact word, though I have not asked him about this yet, and I could be wrong.

I asked him if B is allegorical, why did the Torah not just contain a little disclaimer at the beginning, something along the lines of “Berayshis, (oh by the way, before I forget, don’t get your panties in a twist, this is not to be taken literally- I am trying to teach you some bitchin philosophy) Bara”. Obviously, I did not include the words panties or bitchin in my q. He said he did not think it was necessary for the Torah to state this because it was obvious that B is allegorical because the scientific evidence against a literal interpretation of B is overwhelming. What about the people who were born 1000 years ago when scientists knew diddly squat, I countered. He answered that the Ramban who lived several hundred years ago was kind enough to let everyone know B was not to be taken literally. I’m not sure I like this answer. Why mess around. Why not entitle B, “B- An Allegory”. And I asked, what possible allegorical value could there be in the rotating flaming swords that are said in B to have marked the entrance to Gan Eden. The Rabbi, was a little flummoxed and conceded this was an interesting q. After a few minutes of thinking he said, well the flames could represent life/passion etc. And the rotating bit?, I whined…

Even if I probably disagree with much of what the Rabbi believes, its an honor to be in the presence of such a kind, humble, learned, and smart man.

Not completely kosher comedy- Part 1

Why did it take God 6 days to create the world. If God is all-powerful, surely he could create even our glorious world in an instant?

The answer is that really he did in fact create the world in an instant- nu, so what was he doing for the reminder of the 6.99 days?

There is a machloikus rishonim.

Rashi gives the simplest answer (as always)- he was waiting for his wife.

Toisvos argues and points out that God did not have a wife- so that can’t be right. The real answer is that he was creating all the breakaway shuls.

Rashbam gives a similar answer and says he was creating all the shuls that you won’t step foot in on principle.

Finally, R’ Akiva Eiger gives the most brilliant answer- God created the world in an instant and decided it was spot on- but then realized he was jewish and es pust nisht to have a regular sized world- so he extended.

Speaking of extensions, at this time of year- on my block, the remaining gentiles who have steadfastly refused to cash in on jewish property prices (or who were waiting to cash in at the peak and then got shtupped big time), like to make a big show of their gentileness by covering their houses from head to toe in walmart Chinese lights in the shapes of candy walking sticks, baby jesus etc etc. Now normally, should God decide to make a sequal of makkas bechoiros, it would be a bit of a pain because he would have to hover over the street checking out each house to see if it had an extension- but for the next 3 weeks-Zam- God will be able to speed through my block instantly detecting the non-chulent eating goyim whose houses literally shine out.

Speaking of chulent, how come it’s the most amazing food on the planet from exactly 12am on Friday to 2:30 p.m, on Shabbos, after which time it becomes the most heinous pile of gunk until exactly 12am the following Friday.

What is it about kiddushes that turns the normally placid and distinctly inactive male American jew into a heaving pushing shoving hyena-like mammal. Its not as if the exact same chulent and herring is not waiting for them at home, where they could eat it without having to fight anyone for it, and without big warm brown spoonfuls of chulent being knocked off their spoon onto their coats just when the spoon was millimeters away from their mouth. And once you get chulent on your coat, its never coming off. Not properly- for the rest of time, there will be a distinct darkened patch on your coat taunting you reminding you of what a chazzer you were on that rainy shabbos morning several years back.

Everyone knows you are not allowed to talk between washing and hamoitzie, except for saying “Nu”, which can be uttered with impunity. Fortunately, with an evolution even Darwin could not have come up with, nu has traveled from its original humble beginnings to comprising essentially, a one word language. For example, it could be used as simply as a husband calling out to his wife in the Kitchen- Nu?, meaning “are you coming” (inside to the dining room…- not.. stop being filthy…)”. Then there is the double loshon of Nu-Nu- which means, you shall surely come inside or “get your tush in here right away- leave the frikkin salad, no one eats it anyway”. Another variation of the humble Nu is “Noo?” as in 2 brothers sniggering to each other about their sister’s comely friend and saying Noo? Meaning “so she’s bangable, no”?

Neturei Karta are probably the world's biggest douchebags

Ynetnews.com reports that Neturei Karta (the dirty old men with the long yoileys, the dirty coats and the shaking hands with ahmdeinejhad), has issued a pamphlet in which they assert that the people killed at the Chabad House in Mumbai were killed because God was pissed at Chabad for having interaction with the Israeli government and secular jews.

Normally, I don't like to accuse anyone without seeing evidece first hand, but in the case of the Neturei Karta , I'm thrilled to make an exception. To say that these people have brains smaller than a very small goldfish's brain is to seriously insult said goldfish. To say that these people are douchebags par excellence is to serious insult run of the mill douchebags.

So here you are, you dirty old men, come up and accept The Daily Deist's first Weekly Douchebag of the Decade award. (hat tip to failedmessiah.com where I learned of the story).

Are most acts of chesed performed by religious people?

As far as I can tell, most of the chesed in this world, is performed by religious people. Go online and check out the various charities- most of them are run by religious organizations. Look at the gazillion gemachs- run by well meaning frummies. When my wife was in Miamonidies Hospital giving birth, an assortment of boro-park based frummies did incredible acts of kindness for her, from the chasidishe bubba doula( birthing coach), to the chasidishe mama who came round on Friday afternoon and brought her two full shabbos meals. It is truly rare that I hear of a non-religious person or group performing chesed. I can't point to studies that back this up- this is purely based on my observations. For example, a couple of years ago, I wanted to donate some money to starving kids in Africa. I spent about two hours online trying to find a non-religious group to donate the money too. I could not find one. Can you name me 5 groups who perform charitable work who specifically state they are atheist/agnostic. (I could name you a hundred such religious institutions in 10 seconds).

I truly believe that the richard dawkins, the christopher hitchens, and the bill mahers of this world don’t give anywhere near as much of themselves (as a percentage of their available resources), as the average boropark yiddele.

While it is true that many religious people who perform acts of kindness, limit the recipients to their co-religionists, I don't know if that’s true in the majority of cases, and even if it was, people only have a limited amount of money and time they can donate and I think its perfectly legitimate to want to give it to your co-religionists. This is especially true if your are jewish, because of the fact that we are such a small nation, and therefore all jews feel they are part of one family.

While there are those who are completely ambivalent about the plight of non-jews, and clearly, taking the view of "let them die, they are just goyim" is awful, I think its a small minority that feel that way.

So, even though you don’t have to be religious to perform chesed, in my opinion, most of the chesed in this world is in fact performed by religious people. Chesed represents the best of Judaism to me. Chumros, Slifkin/jewish concert bans, religious superiority complexes, utter inflexibility, sexism, the inability to question without being accused of evil, represent the worst.

The garbage some charedi rabbis spout

My wife’s father, who is a Sephardic black hatter (he grew up irreligious but is a bt), likes taking my 6 year old with him to shul on Friday night, as I don’t go on Friday night. Unfortunately he attends a black hat shul and the rabbi there- I think he is a decent guy, but, well, he is in idiot- so the other day, my son tells me- did you know that hashem made the goyim to serve the jews- for example, if you are late for Shabbat, the goyim can paint your house- I knew instantly this had to come from the idiotic mouth of my father-in-law’s Rabbi, and sure enough it had. My wife, who is very progressive and modern orthodox, was almost as appalled by the crap he is being fed by my father in law and his Rabbi, as I am. But her attitude is, if you won’t take him to shul, I’d rather he goes with my Dad, even if he is hearing crap in my dad’s shul.To be continued…

Tradition for tradition's sake

I value my traditions- even if I don't think they were commanded by God- just the fact that my grandparents ate in a Succah for hundreds and maybe thousands of years is enough to make me want to do the same and pass it on to my kids. I just wish I could tell them that we are eating in the Sukkah because that’s what our grandparents have done for thousands of years, rather than telling them that its because god commanded us to. The fact that untold Jews have been persecuted for being Jewish and practicing Judaism, also disenables me to just dump it all down the drain. I just wish we could dispense with all the bs and all the inflexibility- so I wish I could eat in the sukka but turn the light on- and if its cold, just eat in side- or if we are having guests and there is not enough room for everyone in the sukka- just eat inside- Orthodox Judaism is so frikkin inflexible.I guess, if it were up to me, I’d attend a conservative, maybe reform shul, and lead a traditional lifestyle. Unfortunately- I’m kinda stuck- my wife would not ever even dream of leaving orthodoxy.

About me

I'm a male attorney in my 30s, married to a very progressive modern orthodox sephardic girl who is extremely committed to yiddishkeit and her traditions. I live in Flatbush Ir hakdoisheh. I grew up in a pretty charedi household, although we had tv, newspapers, and attended schools with excellent secular education. I guess the shygutz gene is in my family as my 2 older bros became shgootzim in their late teens. I followed suit by my early 20s when I left yeshiva and started law school. When I started dating my wife when I was 25, , I was not observant but figured I believed in modern orthodoxy and committed to resuming observance of halacha once we married. Over the last 2-3 years though, I have stopped believing in organized religion, although I do believe in some type of God. I just don't think he gives a crap whether we eat burgerking or not. As my belief has gone, it has become really difficult to continue my observance of shabbos and to a lesser extent, kashrut.

It has obviously put my wife and I in a really tough situation- my wife is observant and she kinda believes in orthodox judaism but thinks her community/traditions are so wonderful that to her its less relevant whether its true or not. My kids go to a modern sephardic school that is very progressive while at the same time extremly promotive of halacha. This is also gonna cause a heck of a prob as my kids get old enough to realize I dont daven or put my tefilin on the morning.

Concept of this blog

The purpose of this blog is to provide a forum for (primarily jewish, but not necessarily so) people of all beliefs (i.e., charedi, MO, conservative, reform, irreligious, agnostic, atheist) to debate judaism, religion, the existence of God, science, society, politics, Israel, the Middle East, and most importantly, the best recipe for chulent. I have started this blog because the other blogs I have read on religion tend to be completely pro-religion or completely anti religion, and intolerant of debate that is critical of the moderator's viewpoint. This blog will aspire to promote civil debate on all sides of the spectrum, and in my opinion all viewpoints contain plenty of validity as well as plenty to criticize.

In my next post, I will tell describe my background and some of my viewpoints and I hope to post on a regular basis, but this blog will be open to everyone to post about any topic that comes within the ambit of this blog's concept, and indeed you are all encouraged to post as often as you can. Just email me to gain posting rights.

Hopefully, in time, maybe we can organize occasional get togethers where we can eat chulent, kugel, tofu, whatever floats your boat, and have intelligent discussions about anything and everything.